fun arguing w/o quarreling
My parents never argued (seriously) in front of me (just with me). My dad's devil's advocate act was quite stimulating. This was the greatest gift of behavior management. When anxiety enters my life I find myself arguing with myself. This prepared me well for parenting teens.
I was also lucky to set similar examples for the kids as infants. I tried hard to never complain. I would suggest better ways to behave more comfortably (for both of us). I kept myself from being too approving because I learned how this is a form of (reverse) *criticism. When they feel blame or shame I try my hardest not to amplify it.
They encourage me to try more active listening. When attemting to tell them something, I notice how defenses develop, so I have been waiting (better), until I am asked. It is hard to ask what we don't understand. Composting opinion(s) can be work. I started appreciating the interview as an art form. Degrees of understanding form behavior patterns that direct caring. (Never forget hate (any discomfort) is pathological care.) Indulging in anger is the easiest way to stop listening.
I am getting good at not getting angry with them. Wisdom does not enter an angry mind, or as Rabelais put it, "Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind." Their frustration projects anger on me but I invest effort to come arround to a good laugh. Just like my dad, I AM intolerant of intolerance (to balance my sense of humor).
*page 35 of Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Remen M.D.
I was also lucky to set similar examples for the kids as infants. I tried hard to never complain. I would suggest better ways to behave more comfortably (for both of us). I kept myself from being too approving because I learned how this is a form of (reverse) *criticism. When they feel blame or shame I try my hardest not to amplify it.
They encourage me to try more active listening. When attemting to tell them something, I notice how defenses develop, so I have been waiting (better), until I am asked. It is hard to ask what we don't understand. Composting opinion(s) can be work. I started appreciating the interview as an art form. Degrees of understanding form behavior patterns that direct caring. (Never forget hate (any discomfort) is pathological care.) Indulging in anger is the easiest way to stop listening.
I am getting good at not getting angry with them. Wisdom does not enter an angry mind, or as Rabelais put it, "Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind." Their frustration projects anger on me but I invest effort to come arround to a good laugh. Just like my dad, I AM intolerant of intolerance (to balance my sense of humor).
*page 35 of Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Remen M.D.
posted by brad4d | 12:42 AM
5 Comments:
That is pathalogical caring which victimizes beyond reason. The only true divorce allows indifferrence to free us from past mistakes and take the responsibility of feeling sorry. My folks were social workers so my mom helped families through these stages. My dad knew your pain and was obviously uncomfortable both times I met his dad. His specialty was community education.
Sounds like your children are lucky to have such a wise father.
Each and every stage of parenting has its own joys and challenges, as I am sure you see.
Thank you for visiting my blog.
My parents fought with weapons, in front of me. They had my little brother in hopes of fixing the mess. The relatives would come over and instigate, everyone would fight with everyone. Did you ever see Carol Burnetts' 'Mama' series? That show was so like my real childhood, (only mine was a bit worse, it was real), that I couldn't watch it and laugh, it wasn't funny, it was true.
I refused to do that to my children, refused to fight in front of them, failed in that with the first, but after that, I got with it and succeeded, changed my 'learned habits'.
I, like you say, deal with my grown children very 'stay out of it' like, if they ask or seek me out, I am there and available, but careful and try to be better than I am, for them. They deserve it.
So today, I have no connection with any of my relatives, parents et al. But with my surrogate children, I am close and see them often and hear from them more.
Makes a difference.
Approval is a form of criticism...I'll have to think about that one. I would at least agree that it is a form of behaviour modification, but not sure that it has the negativity connotations of criticism.
Cheers
Glenn
The most painful lesson I learned as a parent was also the most beneficial one: the art of being able to 'let go'. When I discovered that you have to let kids make their own mistakes and do their own thing (because lessons learned through one's own mistakes are more useful than those that are forced upon one), well then things were much happier for the kids and us parents.
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