interesting observation
The most interesting observation of watching mediators neutralize judgment is that the person with the most judgment thinks they are better symptomatically.
The parental judgment trap is to make their kids submit to their better judgment for their own good.
When my second child was born my mother remembered how we used to get emotionally upset. She said that one time when I was six I stormed into my room and slammed the door and as my mother steamed, my four year old brother said, "why are you so mean to Brad?" To see innocent perception of her best intentions was an eye-opener.
Role-playing is an important opportunity to try better characters. Slowly there appears to be a lessening of the victim reflex that judges beyond your understanding as projected chemical transmutation. The action reaction quotient starts to figure and configure relation response abilities.
I allowed my kids to feel they were better than me, to find self value. I worked at setting the example of NOT telling others what to do. This became the exercise of asking for appropriate attention to specific details. To share my needs (FROM them) as sharing points of view allowed their needs to become more adaptable.
Compulsion is a defensive reaction to THINKING something is offensive. Getting out of the way of non-appreciation exercises powers of observation.
The artistic application of leadership is sharing a vision so that less force is needed to encourage participation.
The parental judgment trap is to make their kids submit to their better judgment for their own good.
When my second child was born my mother remembered how we used to get emotionally upset. She said that one time when I was six I stormed into my room and slammed the door and as my mother steamed, my four year old brother said, "why are you so mean to Brad?" To see innocent perception of her best intentions was an eye-opener.
Role-playing is an important opportunity to try better characters. Slowly there appears to be a lessening of the victim reflex that judges beyond your understanding as projected chemical transmutation. The action reaction quotient starts to figure and configure relation response abilities.
I allowed my kids to feel they were better than me, to find self value. I worked at setting the example of NOT telling others what to do. This became the exercise of asking for appropriate attention to specific details. To share my needs (FROM them) as sharing points of view allowed their needs to become more adaptable.
Compulsion is a defensive reaction to THINKING something is offensive. Getting out of the way of non-appreciation exercises powers of observation.
The artistic application of leadership is sharing a vision so that less force is needed to encourage participation.
Labels: parenting
posted by brad4d | 9:18 AM
2 Comments:
"When someone says a mean word to you, something in you tightens. The Tibetan word for that is Shenpa.
Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we're talking about where it touches that sore place— that's a shenpa. Someone criticizes you—they criticize your work, they criticize your appearance and, shenpa: almost co-arising.
There's some kind of basic intelligence that we all have. If you're really smart and you're not too caught in your shenpa, you somehow give the situation some space because you know that they've just been triggered, they've just been hooked. You can just see it in their eyes or their body language, maybe nothing even verbal yet. And you know that if you're trying to make a point with one of your children you know that nothing is going to get through at this point because they're shutting down. They're closing off because of shenpa: they've been hooked.
Your part of it could be completely innocent. You didn't really do anything wrong, but you just recognize what's happening there. This is a situation in Buddhist meditation where you can actually learn how to open up the space. One method is to be quiet and start to meditate right on the spot, just go to your breath and be there openly with some kind of curiosity about them and openness to them. You might have to change your way of talking at that point and say, "How do you feel about that?" And they may curtly say, "It's fine... No problem." But you just know enough to try to shut up and maybe say, "Let's talk about it this afternoon or tomorrow, or something, because now is not the time."
Habituation, which is ego-based, is just the opposite. It makes matters worse. This is one of the definitions of ego: it makes matters worse. Because you feel a compulsion in your own particular style to fill up the space, and either push your point through, or my style is that I would try to smooth the waters, and everything makes it worse at that point, usually." - Pema Chodron
Invest your time in doing what you can to deflect the tendency to increase suffering, which is often the result of someone reacting to pain they feel was caused by others. The initial response is to do something that is not in your best interest, thereby only adding to your suffering.
Lead by example is fine as long as the examples are appreciated and understood. Finding the right moments to demonstrate can be tricky, especially with teenagers.
My subtle messages to my daughter were heard clearly a year ago, but today, I find she has less time to interact with me and is more distracted when she does. As a result little gets through. Had I known this was coming, I may have made more of a point to reveal certain things sooner.
But, it all will come in time. We have to be patient as parents.
Those who NEED to open-up are the hardest to say a kind word to . .
three deep breaths could help . .
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